Are We Really Listening, or Just Hearing Through Our Own Lens?

Most of us think we are good listeners just because we hear the words, nod at the right moments, and pick up the key points. Whilst we do respond, listen, support and sometimes offer advice there is an uncomfortable question:

“Are we listening to understand them, or are we listening through the lens of ourselves?“

When someone tells us something, we often take their words and instantly run them through our own filters. Our memories, fears, values, assumptions, and our past experiences. Before we know it, we are not really listening to what they are saying we are listening to what those words mean to us. This, therefore changes everything.

When someone says, “I’m tired.”

One person hears laziness, another hears stress, another hears rejection, perhaps another hears a cry for help.

These are the exact same words but understood through a different lens.

Listening beyond the words

One type of ‘real’ listening is not just about the information someone gives us, it is about noticing the meaning behind the information. for example:

What are they really trying to say?

What feeling is sitting underneath the words?

Are they asking for advice, or are they asking to be understood?

Are they angry, or are they hurt?

Are they being difficult, or are they scared?

Are they telling you the truth directly, or are they revealing it indirectly through hesitation, tone, body language, or what they avoid saying?

This is where listening becomes powerful because when you listen properly, you start to hear more than words. You hear patterns and especially emotions and match to body language. In a way, real listening helps you become a kind of truth machine. Not because you can magically detect lies, but because you begin to notice when something does not quite fit.

The lie detector is not suspicion, it is curiosity

A good listener does not sit there thinking, “Are they lying to me?” That just creates judgement and bias. Instead, a good listener becomes curious. A listener notices when the words say one thing, but the emotion says another. For example, when someone says, “I’m fine,” but their face, tone, and energy say they are anything but fine. Perhaps they notice when someone gives too much detail, avoids a simple answer, changes subject quickly, or repeats rehearsed phrases and when the story has facts but no feeling, or feeling but no clarity.

That does not automatically mean someone is lying. It may mean they are embarrassed, afraid, overwhelmed, confused, or protecting themselves. It does mean there is more to listen to!

A quick example

Let’s look at example now. Someone says:

“I don’t care that I didn’t get invited. It’s fine.”

If we listen through our own lens, we might want to reply:

“Well, don’t worry about it. They probably just forgot.”

That may be kind, but it says that you may forget to invite people and this could be true, but it misses the point. If we listen more deeply, we might notice their tone is flat, their shoulders drop, and they repeat “it’s fine” a little too quickly.

So instead, we might hear “Part of me is okay but part of me is hurt by this, did they forget me, am I not that important to them? I feel left out. I feel hurt and let down.”

That is real listening – and that is a lot of feeling in that sentence!

It is important now to talk about these feelings and not offering solutions or advice at this point… You are not fixing. You are not making it about you. Simply, reflect the possible feeling behind the words and often, that is when the truth comes out.

They might say:

“Yeah, actually, it did hurt. I felt left out.”

Now you are no longer dealing with the surface statement, you are beginning to hear the real message.

Listening changes relationships

When we listen like this, people feel safer and they feel understood. We, the listener, becomes better at understanding people and importantly we stop reacting, assuming and making our own interpretations.

Instead, we can begin by asking better questions:

“What are they really saying?”
“What are they not saying?”
“What feeling is underneath this?”
“What does this mean to them, not just to me?”

That is where better communication begins!! Better communication leads to better relationships, parents, friends, leaders, coaches, and therapists!

The key take away point here is that sometimes the truth is not hidden in the words someone says, it is hidden in the gap between what they say and what they feel, choose to listen.

If you want to talk to someone, then I am ready to listen. Click here to make an appointment.